A marvellous quote, from somebody or another, I could google it, but thought it might be more fun to highlight my own ignorance for once. I pulled the wife up for pedantry yesterday, after she derailed my sentence of profound brilliance because I used the word stupider. Which according to this here spell check is in fact a real word. Right that argument shall be resumed later, anyhow, what was the point I was going to make here. Could it be that my own over-inflated opinion of myself is thoroughly undeserved? Probably yes, the fear itself bit is down to why I don’t ever write anything.
To elucidate a bit, I am so worried that I will run into writers block at some point in the process, I don’t even get started, just in case I spend hours staring at that dreaded blank bit at the end with no idea what to fill it with. I am aware that that is very strange, and more than a little odd. Also that those two phrases amount to exactly the same thing.
Ironically, I just spent 10 minutes staring at this little blank bit I am filling up now, as it may be becoming painfully obvious to anyone following this blog, that there is only so much you can say about procrastination before you end up blabbering on endlessly about nothing in an attempt to avoid the cold hard truth. Which appears to be that I am not doing anything because I am worried about a thing that may not happen anyway.
So, how do I tie all these seperate strands together anyway? What has me being a bit stroppy when Netty pulled me up over my grammar got to do with my fear of writers block? And why is this not the essay on why no real great works of creativity are being made anymore that I had planned to write? Well, I shall tell you, because I started writing this on a different subject than I intended to, possibly I am trying to put off that essay of untold wonders because I am worried that I might not be able to do it justice. So that clears up the last question at least. And for the first two, it is obvious. I do not wish to be exposed as just as stupid as the rest of the world. My fragile ego is based upon my own belief that I am very, very clever. Which I quite probably am not, so when pulled up on it, I react badly. And if I do finally finish something that I think is very good, and it is universally slammed as not very good at all, I suspect I shall react very badly to that as well, thus the fear of my efforts being in vain leads me to not bother making them in the first place.
How very self-aware and clever of me, hoorah, right back up in the happy ego-filled place.
I must apologise for the rather random, disjointed nature of this piece, it is a strange place that I find my mind in at the moment. Hopefully next week will have that afore-mentioned essay on the death of great creative works, and why it is so. By the way, this week I have written nothing at all, but I did have 2 band rehearsals, and started the programming course from future learn. So I don’t feel too bad about it. I’ve also decided never to dep for any bands I don’t already know again. It is generally too much work for too little reward, from people with too high an opinion of themselves (just like me in other words).
In the course of not paying much attention while writing this, I googled that quote, turns out it is from Franklin D. Roosevelt, or Batman, or Oingo Boingo, depending on who you prefer.
Addendum: I wrote this blog 4 days ago, and have only just got around to publishing it, as I got very busy with a last minute dep gig (for a band I know very well and used to be in, so sticking to the new rules). I also remembered that I did once create something I am very, very proud of and so far it has been downloaded a total of about 4 times, in the last 7 years since I finished it. It still makes me grin from ear to ear when it comes on shuffle on the mp3 player in my car, so it works for me. Nobody has actually told me it is rubbish, but I feel it’s lack of success may be significant in that respect. Do go and download my 27 minute concept album and tell me it is rubbish while you read this blog. It is here….